Open
May 15, 2008 by themomentoftruth
This is something that is very hard for me to write about.
I am supposed to have an open adoption. Well, I guess in a way its kind of open. They send me pictures. We met a few years ago. They live quite a distant from me so it was just by chance that we got together, more than likely it won’t happen again.
I haven’t responded in a long time to the pictures or sent them anything about me. I just don’t know what to say. I know, I know I could just talk about me or what I’m doing, but…..for some reason…..its….just….so………………..hard. And I can’t explain it.
Sometimes they send me pictures and I don’t even look at them for weeks. When I do I’m not sure what I am supposed to “feel”. It’s not that I don’t care. Its something else that I haven’t figured out yet and i wish I could.
I just don’t feel like I “know” her. I laugh when I think how SUPER TOTALLY DIFFERENT she would be like if she had stayed with me. I’m not saying how she is now is BAD. She seems really happy. I just don’t know how to relate. Maybe thats bad. I don’t even know how to relate to my own daughter.
I know it’s hard for you to say, but I’m glad you found the courage to talk about this truth that sucks. I think people need to hear it. Aparents that don’t understand why they don’t get replies from their childrens firstparents NEED to hear this. They need to understand that our silence doens’t mean a lack of love. Sometimes no words seem right and every word seems forced.
I know.
(((((hugs)))))
That doesn’t sound so “Open” to me.
It’s gotta be hard for you. More *Hugs*
(((HUGS)))
I agree with what TG said.
It’s not that you don’t care. You care too much. It’s harder that way.
We are here if you need us. Keep writing.
That’s the hardest part, isn’t it? Knowing she is your daughter, yet she’s not. You just don’t know all those wonderful, special, everyday things that make her who she is.
I feel that way often. I know K and yet I don’t. I feel like whatever I do is never enough.
It’s hard. I hear you. hugs.