Help?

I’m trying to put an image on a post. Errrrr. I think I am doing it right but its not working. Help?

Open

This is something that is very hard for me to write about.
I am supposed to have an open adoption. Well, I guess in a way its kind of open. They send me pictures. We met a few years ago. They live quite a distant from me so it was just by chance that we got together, more than likely it won’t happen again.  
I haven’t responded in a long  time to the pictures or sent them anything about me.  I just don’t know what to say. I know, I know I could just talk about me or what I’m doing, but…..for some reason…..its….just….so………………..hard. And I can’t explain it.
Sometimes they send me pictures and I don’t even look at them for weeks. When I do I’m not sure what I am supposed to “feel”. It’s not that I don’t care. Its something else that I haven’t figured out yet and i wish I could.
I just don’t feel like I “know” her. I laugh when I think how SUPER TOTALLY DIFFERENT she would be like if she had stayed with me. I’m not saying how she is now is BAD. She seems really happy. I just don’t know how to relate. Maybe thats bad. I don’t even know how to relate to my own daughter.

Class of ____

The friend I talked about that I wasn’t sure would contact me on Myspace? Well, she did. We friended each other and have been sending emails back and forth. She wants to have a reunion. Now let me clarify, we will NEVER have a reunion if WE don’t plan it. Our group of friends were not “Class of ____”. We are Class of 97′, 98′ 96 or no class at all (dropped out). Or even in some cases completely different schools. SO….we can’t all reunite at our 10 year reunion.
These are people, in some cases, I haven’t seen in 10 or more years. Just like any reunion there are some I can’t wait to hug and reminisce with, in fact I’m starting to get excited just thinking about it!!! Others…..like my so-called best friend, I found out years later she did some not so nice things to me behind my back, not looking forward to seeing her.
I guess I will be helping my old friend with the planning and finding of everyone. Boy, its kind of exciting! And overwhelming, I’m also not sure if I am ready to take that trip down memory lane. I have been reading this blog, Confessions Of a Secret Birthmom and she is currently reminiscing about high school. I have LOVED reading her story! I have thought about taking my own trip down memory lane via my blog. I could honestly probably write a book.  Maybe I should take that trip in writing before I do it IRL. It could help put things in prespective for me.
I am also worried as how myself and B will accepted as a couple. He’s changed. So have I. I’m worried they won’t see it like I do. I am worried it will cause “high school drama” all over again. I mentioned him 2 of my emails to her and she has yet to comment on the fact we are back together. I’m not sure what that means.
This is something I really never thought I would have to deal with but here I am, the BIG REUNION on the horizon. So we’ll see what happens. I have a feeling the next few months could prove to be interesting.

Fixin’ my Broken Heart.

On my left ankle theres a tattoo. It’s small. It’s starting to fade. Its been there over 11 years. I remember I went with my best friend at the time to get it done. It hurt, but not as much as the reasons its there. It’s a broken heart.
When my boyfriend and I got back together, he noticed it one day and asked about it. Over the years I have gotten many questions/comments about it. I always gladly explained my tattoo. No one asking ever bothered me as much as it when he asked. Because he was the one who broke my heart. When I didn’t answer right away, he knew. But what I didn’t tell him is, he’s fixing it. He’s fixed it over the past 7 months, that hurt he caused me slowly isn’t the same anymore.
After all these years, my broken heart isn’t so broken anymore. I never in a million years thought he would be able to repair the damage he did or that he wanted to. But he did. He’s fixed my broken heart. Is it completely fixed? No. He can’t take back the things that happened all those years ago, as he even said himself, “Whats done is done and I did it.” I will always have those memories. But can he make for it now? Our present? And hopefully our future? Yes!! Am I saying he’s the perfect boyfriend? HECK NO!! (hence his title awesome/ASSHOLE boyfriend!)
The broken heart is still there as a reminder. He hasn’t mentioned it, not since that first time. But now that its almost summer, time for flip flops and shorts, it’ll be out there for everyone to see. I think its time to mend my broken heart. It’s been mended inside, maybe now it’s time mend the outside.

Writing…Part II

I made this post a weeks ago about my writing, or shall we say lack there of for many years now.
Now I have been writing for a few weeks here.
And its flowing.
It feels good. 
I hope it doesn’t stop…………………..I better go run and find some wood to knock on!!!

Turning 21 and the days after

On Saturday, after the BBQ and nice nap, we decided to go to the Casino. Both B and I love Blackjack. We hadn’t been in awhile and decided we would try a different Casino, one that we thought we had never been to.
Driving though the parking lot, I still thought I had never been there. B realized he went there just shortly after his 21st Birthday. Once we walked through the doors, I was still thinking, “I think this the one Casino I have never been to.” I have been to almost every Casino in my area because one of my exes  had a gambling problem. We frequented the Casinos quite a bit and I watched him gamble all his money away.
In order to gamble you have to get a “Players Card” by showing your ID. I showed the lady at the counter my ID. She entered my info into her computer and asked, “Are you still at $%#@ Smith ST?”

“No!” I laughed, “Thats my mothers address! I haven’t lived there in years!!”

I turned to B and said, “Well, I guess I HAVE been here at same point!”

The lady laughed and said, “It must have been one those times right after your turned 21 and you were just having such an amazing time you can’t remember!”
I laughed with her, but there weren’t alot of those times. Times when I was having such an amazing time that I can’t remember. After I turned 21. Before I turned 21? Pssstt. I could tell you stories. From the time I was 18 until I got pregnant right after I turned 20, I was wild. Heck, more than wild.
Then I grew up………….fast. I was no longer happy-go-luck, girl who was up for anything. Good or Bad? I don’t know. Just different. Wish I had a little bit longer as that girl………

Random Six

I just started blogging and found this blog Mommyhood and LIfe, when she commented me the other day. A few weeks ago she posted “A Random Six” thing about herself with no tagging, just an open invation and since I am new blogger I thought I could stand to post some interesting facts about myself…..so here I go my “Random Six”

1. One thing you’ll learn about reading my blog….yes I am with my high school sweetheart. We “found” each other after 10 years!! But its not one of those lovey dovey stories. LOL. It’s hard and tough. And he was jerk to me in high school. BIG TIME. But now I understand for all the right reasons. Someday I may tell our story  but its got ALOT of personal things about him, so I am not sure if he would feel comfortable sharing.

2. I LOVE, I mean LOVE to eat french fries dipped in milkshakes. But it can’t be like Mcdonalds. It has to be like good thick steak fries with a good thick milkshake. There’s a fast food restaurant here that meets my qualfications. And yummm….is it good. Try it sometime!! No, really…..do it!!

3. My job consists of being yelled at for 8 hours straight. Seriously. I work in a call center as a manager. So ya know if your mad about something and you ask for a manager? That’s me. Its an evil, evil job.  I talk about looking for something else but I don’t. Oh why. It pays the bills and its fairly well paying, good insurance, good hours and GREAT vacation……someday……………

4. I LOVE the Fourth of July!!! Ever since I can remember Fourth of July has been better than Christmas for me. Even when I was a kid! I love bbqs, I love fireworks and being outside. Until about 7 years ago I had never set off my “own” fireworks,  just watched displays. I was lived in the country then and we used to have our own displays. If I ever decided to get married, its going to be on Fourth of July during fireworks.

5. My boyfriend and I are poor people, with rich tastes when it comes to food! LOL. We love to eat good food….I’m not talking FAST FOOD. Espically my boyfriend is a food critic!! We know where all the best places for whatever you want in our city! Italian, Chinese, BBQ, Bar and Grill, whatever!! We started a coin jar that we put all our change into and save so we can afford to go to the REALLY nice places. We just went to a super fancy, wonderful italian place. Not sure where are next stop will be!

6. I love to take pictures! I have tons of them! Over 5000. Yep you heard that right. 5000. Proably  even more than that!! Of all kinds of things. My Dogs, my house, my family, my boyfriend, random things. I need to go thru and delete some of them because it is really bad. LOL
So theres my six! I’m not tagging anyone because I really don’t know anyone yet!

Class

The other night I was talking to my mom last night about a friend of mine who got married this week. (yep the BBQ I went to on Saturday) How we got on the subject of other people I used to hang out with I’m not sure. But I mentioned 2 old friends that I heard both recently had babies, about a year or so ago. When I said they both had kids and were single moms she said, “Oh surprise, surprise.” I asked her what she meant by that. She said, “Oh its just a cycle. Its like the class of people they come from. Low Class.”  
When I got pregnant with my daughter was my family trying to “save” me from being “low class”? Was it ever really about what was best for me or my daughter? Or just how society would percievce me? Or most importantly my family?? Was that it that terrifying to them that we might be seen as low class because I had a child out of wedlock?
Ironically placing my daughter didn’t change jack. I still didn’t go to college. (took a few classes but no magically degree!!) I work an hourly postion. I live paycheck to paycheck. I still didn’t get married. I don’t have 2.5 kids and live in house with a white picket fence. My boyfriend drives a truck. We hang out in little diner everyone knows your name. I am not middle class. I am who I am. And I am proud of it. And I’m still exactly who I was 9 years ago, maybe a little better.
I asked my mom how she would feel if I got pregnant now. (not that I’m planning to anytime soon!!) She said she would be disappointed. Because I’m still not married. Because I still don’t have a rock on my finger. Because I still don’t have that degree.  I thought, “Oh well, that would be your grandson/daughter.” But ya I know realized, that kid would be so loved by plenty of people………………….without judgement.

Sad Today

Feeling Sad.
Lonely.
Nostalgic.
I wish…….Lots of things.
Nothing good to say today.
I can’t talk anyone.
I have to go to this stupid BBQ and put on a happy face,
LIke always I am happy and perfect for everyone.
The shopping is done, the clothes are washed and dried.
Perfect……..

Love Thursday…Love againist all odds

When talking to one of my friends from high school last night, he informed me another one of our old friends had reccently joined Myspace. She wants our “old crew” to have a reunion and has requested most of them to be her friend, including my close friend S. Ironically, not me. I’m waiting, we’ll see but not holding my breathe.
To anyone reading this your probably thinking “What the HECK does this have to do with Love Thursday? Sound more like Hate Thursday to me!!”
Nope, its all about love because of the reason WHY I believe she may not have requested me. My Myspace is filled with love, love for the the love of my life. (that’s alot of LOVE in one sentence!!) In high school we had, at best, a VERY voilet relationship. I will admit I shed alot of tears over the man. Fifteen years later and a night long conervsation filled with ALOT of explaining, I understand what he did that I thought was hurtful, really wasn’t. In fact his intentions were out of love for me. And what our future could hold…..together.  He loved me then and he loves me now. His story and why he did what he did,  is just that HIS and its very personal. Some of the things he went through were bad, I knew they were bad then, but I just didnt know how they affected him. I haven’t decided if I will share his story it here.
He didn’t know we would find each other 10 years later, but he hoped. He was wise engough beyond his years to know, then in midst of chaos, was not the time to start a life together. And now? I love him for what he saw. What I was too blinded by teenage love to see.
My friends? The ones that may or may not request me on MySpace? When then see us together on my page? I’m sure they still hate him. Because, yes, he broke my heart in a million pieces in high school. They never understood WHY I kept him as a part of my life.  ANd now? They probably still don’t. Something just tells me to. I can’t explain it. But when he came to me 7 months ago and laid it on the line, I welcomed him with open arms. Could I have not believed him? Yep. Could I have said, “AFTER WHAT YOU DID TO ME??? FUCK OFF!!!”? Sure could have. Has it been easy? HECK NO. We both have a truck load of baggage. We fight and he still drives me insane as ever. But at the end of day, when he’s home in bed and we talk and he makes me laugh, its all worth it.
So if I am left out of the “reunion” so be it. Don’t judge me. I let you judge me then, I won’t now.
Life was stacked against us. It still is. But we beat the odds everyday and I hope we keep beating them.